Four ways to overcome sexual shame

One thing that both fascinates and confuses me is the fact that when I start talking about sex, most women or men feel embarrassed and either leave or steer the conversation elsewhere.

As if I were the one with a dirty mind, even though it is often their subconscious that voices or physically reveals deep desires or fantasies they are unable to live out with their partner.

Friends, my only supposed fault is that I let it all out rather than letting it spin around in my head. I prefer that to having feelings and fantasies spill out unconsciously during sex, where they do not belong.

In that spirit, I choose to consciously focus on the desires I WANT to see come true. Lately I notice that some things in our society, or at least in the circles I move in, are becoming more challenging.

Through conversations with women who are a bit more open to speaking about sex, I see and hear that some feel an aversion to it. I mean an aversion to sex with their partner or to themselves. Some do not want to be touched genitally at all.

Excuses often appear. Too tired, falling asleep in front of the TV, which if you ask me is the worst insult. In other words, doing everything possible to avoid the act. Whether this is conscious or unconscious does not really matter to me. What matters is that you are honest with yourself and address whatever is troubling you in this regard.

First and foremost, scheduling sex drains the spontaneity and wildness from this act of pleasure. There is no shame in giving voice to pleasure. Moan and cry out in the moment. Put unconscious tension into words and let primal sounds move through you while making love.

These are not just sounds you make. They are interwoven with every emotion of shame, hopelessness, and unworthiness you may have felt today.

All of this often echoes an uncomfortable experience that happened at some point in our lives.

I remember a summer day when my friend and I went to town to buy some jewellery. I think we were both 12 or 13. Our bodies were just beginning to take on a feminine shape. We wore shorts, and I remember exactly how good I felt then. I was pleased with my body, with how it looked and how I moved. Yet that was also the last time I wore those shorts. We came back from town and met our group of friends in front of the building. A mixed crowd, girls and boys. Nothing unusual.

At one point we started to chase each other in front of the building. I do not remember what sparked the play, but we were all running. A boy was chasing me and I remember running so fast that I surprised myself.

When I got home, my father was waiting and he was angry. He started shouting at me. What stayed with me was his disapproval of how I was dressed and the fact that some boy whose name I cannot even recall was chasing me outside the building.

For days after this passed, in fact for years, neither of us mentioned it again. Yet after that I began wearing long tracksuits, jeans, and long loose shirts. I felt ashamed, small, and dirty.

Years later I forgot this incident, or at least I thought I had. The reality was different. My body was no longer the same. I began to gain weight, I withdrew into myself, I felt ashamed of how I looked, and I did not want to look in the mirror.

For a long time I was unaware of the trauma it had left in my life. I believe a fragment of it still lives in my body, mind, and spirit, and I hope I will be able to dive deep enough to unearth every piece that slipped in. We rarely realise how deeply certain experiences leave a mark, especially those from early childhood.

Tantra is a beautiful way to work and practice. It is remarkably effective at revealing and removing unhealed wounds that are POSSIBLE to heal. It is like pulling a splinter from a fresh wound so it can then close in a healthy way.

During one of these practices I came to a few conclusions on how to help this natural healing process gain momentum.

1. Be aware that if you feel an aversion to something, especially to sex which often lies at the very core of the wound, it means something has surfaced that needs clearing. If you do not want to look at what bothers you, that is a sign you MUST.

2. Also be aware that you cannot force this process. If you do, you may harden the blockage even more. Work around it with patience, the way one might circle gently around something hot. Rather than taking the bull by the horns, find a gentle and skilful way to come closer. If you feel an aversion to sex, do not jump straight into bed with your legs wide open, and here I mean women. Begin to enjoy it tenderly. For example, explore through movement, meditation, and deep connection with yourself the principles of self pleasure. Each of these three approaches helps to uncover trauma, each in a distinct and noninvasive way.

3. When you feel ready to release everything that troubles you, immerse yourself and honour your victory. Cry, shout, grieve. Move through and feel the fear, the pain, and the intensity, and BREATHE PROPERLY. Soften, breathe, and watch the storm pass.

4. Where possible, replace pain with pleasure. When you notice your aversion to sex dissolving, begin to offer yourself pleasure. Sexual fulfilment connects us directly with our core, with who we are at our deepest level. In this way healing becomes faster, deeper, and more thorough. It is certainly quicker and easier than only sitting and talking. Pleasure is also a medicine, as it will replace the imprints of fear, trauma, and injury at a cellular level.

I wanted to share this with you to encourage you to celebrate healing. This is a lifelong process, and with every layer of fear, pain, and shame you peel away, a fuller, stronger, and clearer being can emerge from within you.

Be gentle and consistent in practising this. If you avoid any aspect of yourself, you can be certain there is a wound there that deserves your attention, BUT do not force it.

Be gentle and consistent, like water. A soft mountain stream will flow around the large stone in its path and, given enough time, it will wear it away completely.

Have you ever experienced this? Does this awaken familiar feelings within you?

Share your experiences with all of us, because together we can support one another on this path of sexual healing and empowerment.